NEUERBURG - hangover take 2

GERMANY

Today, I woke up in Luxembourg in my boxers wearing eye shadow and sporting a moustache drawn in eyeliner. From what I gather, my hosts were going for the Captain Jack Sparrow look. I'm really not sure how this happened.

I can feel a bit of a headache coming on.

NEUERBURG - Post-christmas lows

GERMANY

Thank the fucking Lord.

Neuerburg has just undergone a 3 day long Internet drought. It came back about 20 minutes ago. Ordinarily, such an occurence would be a kind of 'aw darn it' sort of event, but yesterday it was compounded by the fact that the electricity for our building was cut off, for reasons they still haven't explained to us.

I think this was the first time I wished my apartment wasn't so swish and modern, because when the electric goes, it means everythings fucked. Namely, my solar powered wall operated blinds; apparently when there's no power, the default setting is 'pulled up', which makes sleeping any later than 7am a challenge.

The telly was also inoperable, as were my lights, which made everything into an interesting, toe-stubbing guessing game after 5pm. The laptop battery lasted just over an hour before it too fizzled out. That actually felt a bit like an old friend dying.

Showers were impossible because the water couldn't be heated and I couldn't see a damn thing anyway, and nor could I cook because we have those gay hobs that just heat up, as opposed to a gas one.

To summarise, yesterday was a balls balls day.

Tomorrow I think I'm hitting up gay old Paris for some French new year antics. And to find out for certain what the difference between brie and Camembert is.

BOLLENDORF/ECHTERNACH

LUXEMBOURG

Because I'm such a committed language student and all hardcore like, I decided to stay on the continent for crimbles and new year.

The Germans do Christmas on the 24th, and I was lucky enough to share German christmas in Luxembourg with my friend Kristina and her family. On the 24th, we ate a wicked christmas dinner, played Trivial Pursuit in German (we won) and drank too much.

We rolled out of bed the next day kinda later than we'd all planned, and drove up a very steep hill to a restaurant in a place called Echternach, for more christmassy food. I had possibly the best steak ever. I'm aware I give praise easily, but this steak was something else. There was a party in my mouth and everybody was medium-rare and dipped in garlic butter. Oh man.

I'm now peeved because I've realised that I have no photos of this occasion, apart from two landscapey ones I made Kristina take on her iPhone, which she's yet to send me. So yeah, even though there are no pictures, it did actually happen. And it was great.

NEUERBURG - not in the news.

GERMANY

I just checked my stats. Yesterday, someone got to this blog by google-searching "neuerburg germany news today 23 dec. 2010".

THAT, my friends, is what is known as optimism.

I ask this searcher: what were you expecting to find?

The only real news I can think of, though not limited to Neuerburg, is that it is today is Christmas in Germany. I'm heading on over to Luxembourg later to celebrate accordingly.

NEUERBURG - hangover

GERMANY

Morning goslings.

Today I am hungover. Let me rephrase that. I am close to the point of dying in my own vomit while I type this entry, very very s l o w l y. Hangovers have been somewhat rare events these past few months; they now seem to be making up for 4 months lost time.

Last night was Feierabend, because school finished for crimbles yesterday. We started out at a Mexican restaurant, which may have been one of the best meals of my life. I had a steak fajita. Steak. In a fajita.

After this, we headed back to Herr Henkel's flat, the coolness of which cannot be described with words, where the alcohol consumption included, but was probably not limited to:

• Beer

• Vodka

• Rum

• Jaegermeister
  

• Whisky

• Cognac

• The German equivalent of Sourz/Aftershock

And some godawful apple stuff.

We played on the Xbox a lot as well. I remember playing Gran Turismo 5 wearing a pair of night vision goggles. I doubt if I'd have been able to see any better without them.

There was also one of those electric shock machines, the ones where you put your hand into a handprint and it sends a shock through you. It's meant to be used for 'truth' or 'lie' scenarios. I was zapping myself for fun by the end of the night. It also made my right hand jidder uncontrollably again, suggesting impending heart failure as well as a thumping headache.

But - I'm feeling pretty good at the moment, because recently I've managed to do proper socialising. Admittedly it's been socialising in the capacity of 'let's drink', but I don't mind this because, as we've discussed, I speak much better German after alcohol. I believe next monday we're going out in Luxembourg.

Oh yes, and I'm going to Barcelona next week. The Spanish have christmas too, right?

HEIDELBERG

GERMANY

Last week I was in Heidelberg. Heidelberg has always been on my list of 'places to definitely visit in Germany' because everybody raves about it.

We stayed in a friends cousin's WG, which was pretty great. It felt much more like a homely student home in the UK, by which I mean dingy and messy, but in that acceptable studenty way.



We didn't see a great deal of the city because we woke up fairly late, but the bits we did see were good. There are some weird shops in Heidelberg. I bought an extendable fork.



We also checked out the christmas market, and had steak and onion brötchen for breakfast, followed by nutella crepes. And mulled wine; I now have the Heidelberger Weihnachtsmarkt mug to add to my collection. So you know, I am a winner.


The only thing that marred the day was the temperature. In the words of a poet, it was motherfucking freezing. Granted, I make terrible shoe choices, but I really expected five (five!) pairs of socks to make at least a bit of difference on the soaking feet front.

The other thing was this. I won't go as far as to say it marred the day, but it was certainly one of those eye-opening, questionable things in life.

"What to wear today? It's cold out, a coat is surely a good idea. Hmm, and what else? Oh, of course! How silly of me. My silver leggings. My sparkly silver leggings. A modest and well-planned outfit for any city. Oooh, and my fluffy pink leg warmers wouldn't go amiss! Let's break those out, shall we? They'll look lovely over my Ugs."

PEFFINGEN

GERMANY

The weather of late has given rise to the phrase "snowing like a bastard". This will be old news to my German friends and readers, who are trekking through foot high drifts and battling cancelled flights. But, if you're reading this in the UK or elsewhere, let it be confirmed that in Germany, it is snowing like a bastard.

When combined with a Ukrainian Sat-Nav, which seemed to have been programmed with Vostok 1 era data, driving in our area is a task and a half.

So, driving the other night, me and Anna found ourselves in a place called Peffingen, which in my opinion hardly even qualifies for a name, with the car struggling up a steep steep hill. At the top, still following our trusty Sat-Nav, the road stops. Actually, I'm not certain it stopped, but it would have been a gay and inaccessible route in perfect weather.

The only option was reverse. And so we did.

Into a ditch.

Sideways.

At 45 degrees.

These pictures were taken the following day, seeing as it was dark when it actually happened. I don't actually think this picture does the angle and depth of the ditch justice. It was a fair ditch.

In retrospect, we were pretty calm and happy all things considered. If it had been more bumpy and crashy, I might have been a bit more nervous. I wasn't even that bothered about climbing upwards over the gearbox and helping to open the driver door towards the sky.

Two old men, whose appearance, demeanour and choice of living location just screamed "we have tractors and other heavy duty vehicles that could easily pull a car out of a ditch" just stood by and watched. They didn't miss it. They actually watched. I know they were watching; they were the last things I saw before all I saw was a snowdrift.

Did they come over to the car to help us, when we were struggling with the door? Did they even ask if that 45 degree parking might have been a mistake? Did they shite.

So we waited for just over an hour in this cold, tiny village for a taxi.

Luckily, Anna knows other Ukrainian people with a Landrover Defender. If you've never been a passenger in a Landrover defender, there is no leg space whatsoever in the back. And unless you're a small person, the seat is so high that your eye level is above the top of the door window.

But, it pulls cars out of ditches.


This is us being rescued by Ukrainians, and the car after we'd scraped, shovelled and kicked a good 6 inches of snowfall off the outside. It was a fun day.

NEUERBURG - t'internet again

GERMANY

I just got the internet back. It came back in the same night, 2 hours after disappearing.

This never happens.

Normally, it goes, and it's gone for good for that night. It's like losing a limb. An awesome limb.



It's just started snowing again.

NEUERBURG - noch ein bisschen tanzen/schnee

GERMANY

I'll get the title of this post out of the way first: I seemed to have accidentally signed up to some dancing class. Either that, or my name was put down without my consent. The deputy head caught me in the corridor today and asked me first of all if I liked dancing.

I told him in no uncertain terms that es gefällt mir nicht. But, it seems that Maria, the Russkie language assistant is a big fan of dancing, so I'm going along on Wednesday at 8.00 to god only knows what. I have never cursed the poor speed of my "plausible negative response to unwanted invitation" ability more than I did this morning.

________________

In other news, I found out that my English class who I teach alone with piss-poor results do not have any tests in English. Not only is this a weight off my mind in the long run, it also means we're taking full advantage of christmas time for the next fortnight; roll on films and snacks in lessons.

Other sessions are going a little better; I'm still dictionary bitch but I've been recently upgraded to "read this 3 page text, Max. We have the CD but we want a native speaker to read it" as well as other more classroomly duties. The best thing about the reading aloud part is the applause I get at the end. I read in English. It's like getting a standing ovation for eating a pie.

I'm here til next May folks, catch me while you can.

And since I can finally be arsed to upload the photos, this is what costa del Neuerburg has looked like of late:

Taken from outside the door of my apartment and down the road from school

Downtown Neuerburg.

Me being warm in the cold

Rewe in the snow.


Neuerburg's gay-ass post office on the right. Closed since '03

They're all the decent wintery photos I have. The snows mostly melted now but it's a hell of a lot colder than it was before.

TRIER

GERMANY

Last night was the staff christmas do in Trier. This was pretty cool for a number of reasons, the first of which is that the copious amounts of alcohol set my German on fire and I communicated like a fluent, albeit slurred person for most of the night. The second reason ties in with the first; a couple of us went out in Trier afterwards, meaning I had my first real night out that I haven't had to travel at least 4 hours for.

The christmas do was a buffet. It was really tasty, but for bizarre reasons. It was as if someone had pointed with their eyes closed at a load of different menus. There was salmon, venison stew (fair enough), some variety of potato, tagliatelle, and - wait for it - scrambled egg fried rice. Now, all fried rice has egg in it, this is a culinary pre-requisite. But this rice had chunks of scrambled egg the size of a babybel cheese. Like I say, it was tasty, but in a "what the hell, Germany?" sort of way.

We drank a lot of beer. I forget what the drinks tab for the whole night came to, but it could probably have put a fair few students through English university. I was also introduced to Schnapps, which is something like the afterbirth of vodka and Satan's baby. Don't do it.

After this we queued for about half an hour to get into a club. I was having serious doubts at this stage; the coach had gone, and I wasn't certain where I was staying. Score one for dangerous spontaneous decisions. But we eventually got in, and it turned out to be awesome.

I have no idea who these people are. I vaguely remember the guy telling me in English that he was more stoned than he'd ever been before, and that he lives in Sinspelt, Neuerburg's neighbour village.

This is me and Andreas sharing the love. I feel that there's some sort of special bond between us since I sketched him in the staffroom when he fell asleep.

At 5.30 a.m. we crashed, quite literally, at his girlfriend Sabine's WG, which was possibly the most lush student accommodation I've ever seen. Hangovers were flowing thick and fast (literally, in Andreas's case) when we awoke, so me and Sabine had awesome continental breakfast. Never has salami, brie and nutella looked as good as it did at .. 3 o'clock this afternoon.

Sabine and Andreas had uni work and recuperating, respectively, to do, so I headed back out into Trier to see what was going down.

I love Trier because its all so modern and everythings near each other. I started out at the christmas markets. Cue bratwurst and mulled wine.

I was also pretty chuffed to see that Woolworth's has somehow survived the recession in Trier. The only thing it seems to have lost as a result of it's going into administration is the 'S'.

The day took bizarre turns. As I was walking along, there was a sudden load of shouting and yelling, and people stopping the street. I don't know exactly what the issue was, but a lady was pretty angry with a man who I presume was her husband (possibly ex now). She was angry enough to be screaming bloody murder at him in the street in any case.

Just as I was walking past though, she decided that fists beat words and laid a few good punches on the unsuspecting bloke. Spontaneously, me and 2 or 3 others jumped forward without really thinking and held her back. It was like picking up a cat that doesn't want to be picked up; she flailed like an absolute crazy. Eventually she was restrained for good by a huge black guy*, and the man left, looking a little dejected.

*The fact that the guy who did the restraining was black isn't really important. Just in case a film is ever made of my life which happens to include this day, that's a detail worth remembering. It'll make the scene more poignant.

Had I had my fair share of crazy people for the day? No sir. After leaving H&M, I saw a homeless guy with his dog sitting in the street. Homeless people guilt-trip me more in Germany somehow, purely because I know for a fact that, unlike England, I am never out of pocket, and to ignore them here makes me feel more of a twat. So this lucky guy earnt himself all the coinage I had on me, which wasn't loads, but a decent amount.

As I dropped it into the hat, he thanked me and vigorously waved his arms toward himself by way of a 'come closer friendly stranger' gesture. Now, I'm all for hanging out with the homeless, but there's a certain social stigma attached to properly hanging out with them. This may sound cruel, but my hangover was setting off several "You're not drunk anymore. Conversation with a German bum is beyond you" alarms. The street was also packed.

So I kind of half arsedly leant toward him, and he patted my face a little too enthusiastically. Truthfully, he slapped me four times. He said something in German which I didn't understand, and then looked into my eyes and said, very seriously and earnestly, "Dein Haar ist sehr groß". I didn't really have a response to this.

As I was sifting through responses in the same way that Arnie does in the Terminator films, he nonchalantly chipped in with "Kauf mein Hund?" Buy my dog?

Sorry?

"Mein Hund, willst du kaufen?" Do you want to buy my dog?

This took me by surprise. It was a cute dog, but I reckoned this investment could have a lot of potential long-term problems. I felt the familiar pangs of guilt, but no dice, homeless man. I don't remember what I said to him to throw him off the "englishman put money in hat, must want to buy dog" trail, but he took it in good spirits.

This is the last picture from Trier that I want to share with you.

Elektro Bonerz. Make your own minds up.

I put it on a par with this, which I found on a toilet roll dispenser in Cologne.

"All new Triple Willy! For when one just won't do!"

COLOGNE; DORTMUND; BOCHUM

GERMANY

I'm falling a little behind with the up-to-date-ness of recent events, so I'm gonna compile my last 3 outings into one handy post.

First stop on my recent trip was Cologne, for the second time in as many weeks. This was particularly nice as it was catch up time with all the Leeds people, some of whom I hadn't seen in over 6 months. It was also a pretty good excuse to sink back into the 'student' mindset, which saw the novelty of mulled wine for breakfast, lunch and dinner.

This picture is a good indication of the effects of mulled wine for breakfast. We're getting pretty into it. Maria can also be seen on the left. She is an awesome host.

Tragedy struck late in the evening when Emily realised she'd forgotten her golden syrup and was already en route back home. Seven missed calls from Emily means that the shit has hit the fan, or that you've done something wrong. Thus, we were scrambled to Dortmund to return the lost golden syrup, which retrospectively meant another city for me to explore, and which I'm therefore fairly happy about. We also went for Chinese.

Because it was late and Neuerburg is in a galaxy far, far away, I decided to crash in Bochum with Dora and Glennchen, where a fair amount of skilful DIY was done.

The next day we looked round Bochum a bit more. We looked in a fair few shops, where Glen and I tried on hats.

Imagine if my face was wrinklier and I was wearing big clawed gloves, and I could probably be Freddy Krueger.

The highlight of walking around Bochum, or lowlight depending on your taste and open-mindedness would have to be the three piece busking group we saw outside Saturn electronic shop. The term '3 piece busking group' probably puts you in mind of something more than what we ourselves found, but I'll let you make your own minds up.

There were 3 girls, aged about 14-15, sporting a violin, a saxophone and something else which I've forgotten. First and foremost - credit to them for their unwavering confidence. That, or their warped sense of humour.

I don't know who'd taught them to play, or perhaps for how long, but the unchangeable fact is that it was painfully embarrassing. Imagine a bunch of cats having their testicles being put through a mechanical laundry press, while being tasered. Simultaneously, someone in the background blasts out short, unconnected parps from a saxophone at about 50 decibels. I remember now - the 3rd one had a recorder. Purely because it was a recorder, I'm inclined to think she thought along the lines of "My friends play cool instruments - what's the quickest way I can join them short of using a triangle or a tambourine?"

She could have played recorder on the world stage and they'd still have been awkward to watch. I was torn between feeling sorry for them and musing seriously as to whether they knew they were shit but were still in a state of denial and unswallowed pride.

So we left god's gift to earache and went on our merry way to a sushi/Japanese restaurant called "Best friends", which is so shamelessly Japanese it's untrue.

This is me eating tuna fish and rice

And this is Glen and Dora eating Miso soup.

This is me and Glen in Bochum Hauptbahnhof, before I begun my trek back to the 'burg. I call this my 'hey, who farted in Bochum Hauptbahnhof?' face.

Thats pretty much all of it. I'm still in Neuerburg, where it has snowed like Snowy McSnowson. After all my complaining about the boring sleet we were having, Karma reared its ugly head and dropped a payload from the very arse of Winter himself. I have never seen so much snow in my life. Pictures will follow soon, when my hands have thawed.

I did nothing today. School now finishes at 1.05 because of the snow. I've spoken some Denglisch, eaten pasta and drew a picture of a witch.

Tomorrow I'm going to Trier to check out the christmas market. Brace yourselves, Rheinland-Pfalz.

NEUERBURG - December

GERMANY

This post is unimaginatively titled because there isn't really a word that can encapsulate the depressing subject matter of the entry.

Yesterday I was consulted by my betreuungslehrerin, for a talk which I initially expected to be along the lines of "Max, one of your students has complained. The game's up. We know now that you don't have any idea what you're doing, and we're sending you back". It actually turned out to be "You're doing another hour per week with this class".

In all truthfulness, I can't work out which I would actually have preferred to hear. This is due to a number of very important reasons which, since the little consultation, have put me into a kind of angry 'Hulk-smash' mindset.

This class is a challenge for me at the best of times. I've raved on about it before; the fact that its mixed ability and finding shit to please everyone is a morbidly boring affair. I clung to the hope, at least, that I would be assigned to a real teacher on these friday sessions.

This is not the case. This is as far from the case as is humanely feasible.

I've become a maths assistant.

A fucking maths assistant.

Which invisible clause of my "FOREIGN LANGUAGE ASSISTANT" form qualifies me for this? What possible aspect of assistance are they expecting me to bring to the table? This class has 12 people in it, and are taught by possibly the most insanely clever man I've met. What else can they need? Another key area they seemed to have overlooked is that my maths is worse than my German. That really is saying something.

"Rapidly decreasing standards in Maths and English in the Rheinland area; foreign teaching staff blamed" seems a fitting headline for Süddeutsche Zeitung to run in about 6 months time.

Tomorrow I'm going back to Cologne to see people I miss, because whereas snow makes Neuerburg look prettier, there's still fuck all to do here, apart from scour the temperamental internet for english grammar summaries and learn how to explain maths.

COLOGNE

GERMANY

So this weekend I've been in Cologne with Kathi on another of my growing number of spontaneous trips. I think maybe from all my travel experience so far, Cologne may be one of my favouritest cities ever, simply because its interesting and dynamic in a London sort of way, but its also loaded with culture and history and general good vibes. All this makes it a winner in my books, as I've only ever been there twice and still bum it.

I guess the first thing that never fails to amaze me is Cologne cathedral, or the Dom. No picture will do this building justice. If you haven't seen it in the flesh (in the brick?), then it's the kind of building that might make you say ".. magnificent" out loud. Its that good.


The unnerving thing was there were more police than you could shake a stick at, what with the increased terror threat in Deutschland. Pretty much the entire Dom and Bahnhof were surrounded by patrol cars, surveillance vans and guys in flak vests with submachine guns.

On saturday there was also a big rally protesting against attacks against Christians in Iraq. Only this wasn't immediately obvious; their placards were more in the way of big Iraqi flags than banners with slogans. So a 200 strong crowd of chanting people brandishing Iraqi flags while the armed police shift about a little nervously at the sidelines. It was tense, despite the obvious lack of a threat.


The other main highlight would have to be the Christmas Market. I had bratwurst, currywurst, Gluhwein and all the other special things that they have. It was pretty awesome, even if it was damn cold. Other than this, there seems to be anti-christmas sentiment, such as an effigy of Santa strung up on a lamppost. This wouldn't look out of place in the Middle-East.


And after this we went to see the latest Harry Potter in German. This was actually better than expected; I reckon I understood about 50% of everything that was said. I'm planning on seeing it again sometime in English if possible but until then you can read a more dedicated review here

I'm now back in Neuerburg, where the snow has finally arrived. We ventured outside on friday when there was a gay kind of sleet going on, but now its proper snow and it looks cold and you're gonna have to wait for pictures.

NEUERBURG - Christmas activities

GERMANY

Facebook informs me that the coke adverts have hit our screens once again which means that anything to do with christmas is now acceptable and encouraged. This is certainly the case chez Eifel-Gymnasium Neuerburg, where a fuck-off christmas tree has been put up, right in the middle of the building. The words "safety", "major" and "hazard" were the first to spring to my mind when the caretakers were putting it all together; if it doesn't collapse, then someone will be killed by a falling bauble, I can just tell.

Other folks out here in Deutschland seem to be getting snow already. Neuerburg was scheduled for snow today but none so far, with highs of -8 predicted for next week, which I'll be thrilled to roll out of bed for at half past 7.

I'm also starting to think that constant exposure to shameless German bluntness during conversation is desensitising me to everything. I've been subject to a nice spectrum of material that would probably be considered antisocial in the UK, such as Stefan and his diarrhoea induced cracked-skull incident and the bloke who's wife had recently died, which I discussed in previous entries.

Yesterday I was doing some theatre group work with a guy in the equivalent 6th form, fairly serious, not sarcastic, who announces in the middle of our work session with far too happy a face that "the chicken I had for lunch has gone right through me" and went to the loo for 10 minutes. Upon returning, he explains that he'll probably have to go back in 5 minutes or so. Translated roughly as 'I've had a nice big shit but ohhh, I'll be darned if there isn't plenty more to come!'

1 nil Germany, you and your big chicken shits.

LUXEMBOURG CITY

LUXEMBOURG

I continued my Luxembourg adventures yesterday by visiting the capital city, which is unimaginatively also called Luxembourg. Their lack of thought is compensated by the simple wickedness of the city itself, which feels a bit like York except everyone speaks French. Plus, in comparison to Neuerburg it felt like switching from sniffing a finished glue stick to overdosing on LSD. Neuerburg wishes it could do the catering for Luxembourg's parties.

An example of Luxembourg's tasteful modern art.

Wish I'd seen the lower town on this sign at the time. "In South-Western Luxembourg, born and raised .."

Hopefully I'll be back there before too long; I'm back in the 'burg now, which means the seat tray is back in the upright position and life is stationary once again. I did a couple of hours assisting today, which was alright, and then met a tiny child in the staffroom who had more interesting conversations with the teachers than I've achieved in 2 months here.

I also got an email from the demi-goddess of Leeds University herself, Angie Willshaw, telling me that I'm one of the last people not to have received my grant because the all-important form which I sent back at the beginning of this month is MIA somewhere over the English channel, presumed lost.

I consider this partly the fault of a lack of clarity on the part of Neuerburg's Post Office. A sign on the door politely explains that it has been shut since 2003; the replacement is a stamp machine outisde and two post boxes. This is the crux of the problem - is there a difference between the two post boxes? The instructions on each one are the same, as are the pickup hours, yet one is bigger than the other. Is one a postbox specially for international post? What even warrants two postboxes in this god-forsaken town? I hardly think vast amounts of overflow post are an issue in a town of 1800 where the currency is seashells and vegetables.

My conclusion is thus: One postbox is for normal post, international or otherwise, and the other one is for suicide notes and pleas for a functioning public transport service. Or a Search and Rescue Helicopter. The latter is presumably the larger postbox.

Whether or not this is the case I have no idea; Angie, if by some Christmas miracle you read this, then please send the money on now because you know I've made the effort, even if the document isn't physically in your hand. That'd be swell.

I see there's also some fun stuff springing up on the VLE; apparently there's some variety of "weblog diary" which we have to periodically update, which is a steaming pile of gay. This is particularly so because of its reasoning; there's considerable emphasis on 'the lecturers will not read these entries, nor will they be accessible to other students. This is mostly for you so you can look back and re-live all your year abroad experiences in the future.'

What's the point in that? I have this blog here, as well as several thousand photos. If I want to return and revisit my meaningful experiences in this country years from now, it sure as hell won't be by reading through my poorly written German blog entries that I wrote out of obligation for University credits. The first entry was meant to be enitled something like "6-week milestone". Looks like I'm writing that one retrospectively.

The other fun activity is podcasting, which suggests only one thing: The man with dreads may be in the far East, but he's still pulling the proverbial strings. God love 'im.

VIANDEN

LUXEMBOURG

Well, today I took another spontaneous trip akin to the last one I told you about, except it was in a car and a hell of a lot easier to get to and from. I'm still not sure of the reasons, but me and Maria and a new member of staff from Russia took a trip with one of the German teachers to Luxembourg, where we walked round a little town called Vianden and looked at a castle there.

The town itself has a very Neuerburg feel to it, with all its pink and yellow and white houses, except here they all have shutters on the windows, and signs with stuff like "Wilkommen zu le petit brasserie", because they're still deciding which language to speak.

So I got some pretty sweet pictures of the town, but by the time we got to the top of the castle and all the wicked views of the Eifel and other general 'pretty scenery' opportunities, the battery on my camera ran out, so you'll have to just imagine it for yourself. We also spoke to a real Luxembourgish person; he spoke German in a French accent, which I enjoyed.

Then we went to a little bakery and the Russian lady bought a tartes aux pommes, which I was then elected to carry back home, holding it flat. This confused me a bit, as she'd made such a fuss 2 minutes before of "I am buying this cake for us". I was all like, "Was machst du, lady? Am I the confectionery bitch now? The designated apple pie carrier?"

I didn't say this, but I thought it.

And after this we went for tea and tartes aux pommes at said teachers house, which made me feel a bit like I was in an 18th century drama, as we used the kind of stuff that you'd imagine to be known as "the posh china" and had tea in a teapot. And we had special little forks designed specially for cake. It was all nice and we chatted for about 45 minutes, but I'd be lying if I said that some silences weren't a little too long. Most of the time it was the ".. so .. has anyone got a joke ..?" kind of silence. Otherwise fine.

MAINZ

GERMANY

So this weekend just gone I took a cheeky spontaneous trip to visit Lolly and Ena in Mainz, which was pretty awesome. It was one of the most spur-of-the-moment trips I've done so far here in Germany, which is saying something. It was a pretty awesome weekend. There was beer, sightseeing, steak and some domestic violence, the cornerstones of any successful trip away.

I'll blitz you with some pics, if blogger stops being a whiny bitch and throwing up its "Error 400 - Bad request" box.

So this is Mainz, looking across the bridge that divides Rheinland-Pfalz from Hessen, over the Rhein. This technically means that I also visited my 3rd Bundesland this weekend. As you can see in this picture, the weather was sort of depressing.

This is Ena looking special next to the Rhein when we hunted for where she might be living from February onwards. That was an adventure.


This is part of one of the little markets that we walked through.


Possibly my favourite one. This ones for you Dora; check out these partner towns. You're twinned with Mainz. With fucking Mainz. You should be well chuffed.


There are more but these ones will have to go on facebook, because photos take quite a while to upload on here.

The annoying thing about Mainz is that its yet another German city that cultivates the 'angry cyclist' mentality. I've found this virtually everywhere I've been. Unlike England, there aren't always dedicated paths or areas for cyclists, so pedestrians get in the way more. You'll be more likely to survive if you walk in the road than on most pavements.

If you're just walking along, probably tired because you've been walking all day and thus not really on the ball, this isn't taken into consideration by German cyclists. If they're heading towards you at speed, they'll ping the bell a couple of times, often when they're only about 3 feet behind you. Regardless of the distance, this isn't an "Excuse me please, you're in the way but I'll manoeuvre if possible", signal, it's more of a "heads up, I'm about to hit you and theres jack-all you can do about it" sort of ping.

And then, if you don't do a very quick side step or jump, they slam the brakes on and give you a mouthful as they carry on, as if to say "was that completely nonchalant ping not enough to make you give me clearance space for a bus?"

They so crazy. For realz.

But, sadly, I'm back in Neuerburg now. Apparently we've just submitted our application to host the 2020 Olympics, pretty awesome.

I've only done a little bit of teaching this week, which was today. On Tuesday my class that I teach solo said something along the lines of "We have a class test this week, can we not do english stuff and just revise our German quietly by ourselves?". Yes you can children. Hell yes you can. But today I did a listening exercise, and wrote answers on the board, spoke Denglisch to some 12 year olds and generally caused confusion. Apparently, the phrase "Do you want me to schreib that auf the tafel?" is not acceptable classroom lingo.

Reading it back again to myself makes me think it would be an excellent first line of a song chorus. Or even the band name.

And tomorrow I have to give my lesson on Yorkshire and the North. This wasn't actually my idea, but hopefully I'm well informed enough to plan 45 minutes worth of talk of yorkshire pudding and real ale.

I'm also quite lucky in the sense that I'm getting away a bit more soon. This weekend I'm going to Bitburg with a few of my students; the general, repeated theme of the trip seemed to be "drink gin" and "go to shisha bar". We'll see how that one turns out. And then I have two trips to Cologne planned, so all is looking pretty special.

NEUERBURG - en francais

GERMANY

Today I went into a shop in Neuerburg, asked for what I wanted, followed by "S'il vous plait".

I also think the girl that served me is a student at my school.

I've subjected myself to a fair amount of fuckwittery of late.


This is what I look like as of 11 November, just in case you've forgotten.

NEUERBURG - chinese takeaway

GERMANY

I am writing to celebrate a momentous occasion.

Before shipping out here, I had visions of being able to go to the pub and ask the German barlady (who would always be wearing a dirndl) for "the usual". To which she would respond by pouring a massive beer or two, possibly not charging for the second because I'm such a good customer.

Seeing as all 2 of the pubs here are frequented by old men who I really don't think would appreciate my company, the above fantasy never really took off.

In reality, the German barlady wearing a dirndl manifests herself in the form of a small Chinese lady, and the large beers take the form of Vietnamese duck spring rolls and chicken fried rice. This lady remembered my order after I ate there once. I can now officially walk into a food outlet and the people there will know what I'm after.

I'm sure you can all appreciate the gravity of this achievement.

NEUERBURG - more teaching

GERMANY

I spoke a depressing amount of English today. Like, it was one of those days where I felt especially retarded because all the people who live here seem to speak my mother tongue better than I do. What's kind of demoralising is that its not even for lack of trying; there are rarely occasions where I have to describe something vastly complicated, which may warrant specific vocab or complex sentence structures. Its the everyday stuff, the really simple things, which are thwarting me.

It gets pretty annoying, not particularly because I worry what people will think, but its stuff I should just know by now. Today I forgot the German for "with me" in the middle of a conversation with my mentor, " .. Ja, heute kommt die Elfte Klasse mit .. mit .. ich .. mit mich .. mir .. avec mich .. jesus, fuck! Ich .. bei .. mit .. arghfgh"

My frustration must have showed because she patted my shoulder and kind of tentatively asked " .. in English?"

This would be less of an issue if I could at least convey what I wanted in English, but I'm also finding more and more that when kids ask me questions, perfectly fluently in English, for a word explanation or help with an English text, I have a genuine mental block, which means I kind of flounder, spewing all the vaguely associated bullshit that comes into my head, to which they usually look deep into my eyes and nod very slowly.

Its also difficult to gauge just how much you've actually got across, or to what degree they understood because nobody wants to point it out if they didn't get it. Luckily I can tell when this is the case, meaning I can then launch into another short monologue about the meaning of the word "peas" on page 37, line 12.

I have the satisfaction at the end of the day knowing that I can confuse the bejesus out of anyone, simply by talking.

NEUERBURG - November things.

GERMANY

Sorry for lack of more daily updates on here. I have a lot more things to read and prepare and other school related things now. Yeah, and anything keyboard related is becoming a bit of a task, seeing as both the 'd' and 'e' keys are gone and 'h' is on its way out. Apparently when I'm gaming I run to the right too much and throw too many flashbang grenades.


So, whats been happening? 12 people in Neuerburg were killed in a shootout after the police broke a major drugs smuggling and human trafficking ring here. They were also believed to be part of some international suicide cult. Pretty crazy.

But whatever, as far as schools concerned, its actually getting a lot better. I'm doing proper assistanty things with english teachers, meaning I read English books and prepare material aimed at 11 year olds learning English, which is so much fucking easier than learning the rules of English grammar, translating them into German, and then trying to explain it. I'm gonna try and pass off this class onto an actual teacher.

Not because I don't like them, but I really don't think they're gonna learn a great deal with me. They need a teacher, who I can assist, as is suggested in my official title, foreign langauge assistant.

In a more superficial sense, freeing myself of those classes would mean I don't have to wake up at quarter past 7 four days a week. I don't even know how it got to that stage. I've realised in the last couple of days that I think its also affecting how accurately I can place my 'achievement level' for the day. I'll explain:

Speaking a foreign language for a whole day can get tiring sometimes, because your doing translating and processing words, sometimes really quickly, while still trying to look interested in what the other person is saying. It can get more difficult, as half the time I haven't a damn clue what they're talking about; I couldn't even give a general theme to some of my conversations. Which means that you then have to blag an answer that looks like you understood.

Theres kind of a point of no return, after which the "sorry, can you repeat that please? I am a retard and didn't understand anything" response is just inappropriate. If you manage to say it nice and early, no problem. After a 5 minute monologue? Nope. Right, so where was I?

Oh yeah - doing all this speaking and understanding can be knackering, but in the words of the wise and wonderful Sophie Walker: "If you go to bed at the end of a day feeling knackered, you know you've really worked hard and achieved something". I thought this was a nice sentiment, and stuck to it, trying to speak lots of German and going to bed knackered.

But, like I say, in the last 2 days my common sense has kicked in and said "Max, you go to bed feeling knackered because you're waking up every day earlier than you have for the best part of 10 years. It's not because you're speaking lots of amazing German. Dickhead."

My common sense is cruel, but probably correct.

You'll also all be happy to know that I seemed to have beat my chocomel addiction cold turkey and am now addicted to apple juice. At some, point, I will recycle the 32 cartons that I now have lying around.

Oh, and Autumn has arrived.



He's kicking ass and taking names.

NEUERBURG - Monday off

GERMANY

Apparently today is one of those general days off, not just for the school. I found this out when I realised I was really hungry and had no food, so I went out and everywhere was shut. This does however give me the excuse to go to get takeaway from the awesome Chinese restaurant here.

Tomorrow, I am going to ask a clever person at my school how they would go about teaching the class that I'm meant to 'teach'. I'm just going over exercises and stuff on t'internet, looking for stuff that will keep 5 different ability levels entertained whilst simultaneously improving their english, to not a lot of avail. I don't mind doing teachy things, and wouldn't really be too fussed about catering for different abilities, the only thing really is the subject matter.

Have you ever properly looked at english grammar? All the rules and irregularities and things? It is pretty damn boring. This has all made me realise that I'm not one of those people who studies languages while being all "oh man, look how cool all these grammar rules are! Aren't languages beautiful and awesome?". No. They are ok to learn but a bitch to teach.

NEUERBURG - long weekend

GERMANY

Thank the Lord.

This week finished on Thursday, for reasons I'm still not certain of. The gist seemed to be that Thursday was a voluntary day; in the words of those who tried to explain it to me "the kids can come to lessons and stay here, or they can go home". I don't know how educationally rewarding it was for them, but I didn't end up doing anything on Thursday.

In addition to this, Friday was also a day off, just for teachers, and Monday is free as well apparently. Sadly, in my 5 day weekend, this is the first time the Internets kicked in. 48 hours without internet in Neuerburg is a sad affair.

Thus, there is nothing new really to report. You all seem to have seen on facebook that I kicked a kid out of my class. 25 'likes' is quite a special record. Menial stuff like that suddenly becomes very exciting when you live where I do. I guess the only other thing worth mentioning is that today is the first anniversary of where the mild things are.

Happy birthday you little fucker.

NEUERBURG - no more hols.

GERMANY

I get the feeling that now the initial euphoria of "fackin' hell, I live in Germany now" has worn off, there may be sadly a little less to report on without repeating myself. Not to say that funny and interesting stuff will now cease to happen, it just feels like these times will be a little fewer. Theres nothing I can really yammer over, no real development with school. One would certainly wonder where so much of the current content has come from.

As far as strong veins of blogging ore are concerned, Neuerburg isn't really a fertile ground to be mined.

I suppose that one of the main issues is that as time drags on, expectations tend to grow on this end and the entries that I eventually end up posting seem to lose that subtle light of spontaneity that I enjoy; rather, they lose that sense of musing upon a subject that I try and cultivate.

Maybe the poison element is just inactivity.

Beyond this though, I really do find it hard to envision where the next post will come from. Having got back from France and Holland and back into the fray, I know I'll rarely have the opportunity to just do "chill out" activities anymore, or at least in a capacity that I find to be something really wicked and interesting. This isn't me being a boring sod. I like hanging out with Maria and watching films and whatnot, but I reckon I often forget that my other flatmates are real people with real jobs, and their time probably is better spent looking at their planning, rather than a half empty pint glass.

There was a time when the idea of group activity didn't mean standing before a class of unmotivated 12 year olds, willing myself to somehow blag the rules of English grammar or trying to convince them that teaching can actually be really damn difficult as a result; times in Leeds where something could energise us as a group and lead to brilliant, ridiculous conversations that we'd bring up and laugh about a month later.

I understand that working in Germany has made time management more of a crucial consideration and have constricted what I now perceive as "worth it" to a list of maybe 5 repetitive tasks. I'm just not sure whether narrowing it down like this is always correct, seeing as, in comparison to many other people, I have all the time in the world.


Enough serious musing.

I GOT PAID.

Yep, I'm the proud owner of €800 euros, which meant, naturally, that the last carton of chocomel in Rewe, which has been tempting me all week with its threat of suddenly disappearing, is now mine. The banks also found its way back into my good books as well; if you're not aware, I shot myself in the foot by entering the wrong PIN too many times on my German card, leading to recent money shortages. I was expecting something along the lines of "we'll order a new card, it'll be with you in 10 to 15 days".

To which I would scathingly reply, "And how many weeks do you mean by '10 to 15 days'?"

Then I remembered I didn't live in a country where you need a CRB check and a national identity card before you can leave your house, and was in Germany, where shit gets done. Literally, they typed the card details into a computer, pressed a button, and it was done. 20 seconds, usable immediately. Well chuffed.

And on the 'Max as freelance artist' front, It seems that they want to use some of my sketches on the school christmas card. I don't know who it gets sent to, I think its kids/parents/friends of the school. Whoever sees it, ist mir scheissegal. I'm going vaguely public, and it feels good.

NEUERBURG - back

GERMANY

Whew.

So below you have an account of everywhere worth mentioning that I've been in the last 10 days or so. I was actually in Belgium for a bit as my train went through Brussels on the way to 'Dam, but shit all happened so I left it out.

It took 7 hours to get from Aachen to Neuerburg, on 3 trains, 2 buses, and a minivan because the bus only runs during term time. It cost €50 to do 62 miles. This place is hard to reach. But, I'm quite proud and surprised because it all went so well, all things considered. And all my clothes have been washed, because by the last day in Aachen I smelt like a homeless guy in a brewery. A brewery attached to a coffee shop.

I also tried, for the first time, the little kebab shop here in Neuerburg, the only one of our three food outlets that I haven't tried yet. It was pretty awesome. Then I went to Rewe and bought milk, on a short trip thats seriously tempting me to make a video of myself walking round Neuerburg at 6.30pm. You won't believe how quiet it is here, or appreciate how small the town is until you actually see it.

Its also bloody cold here. Not in a windy way like Holland was, or rainy like Aachen. Just damn cold.

AACHEN

GERMANY

Yeah, I know there's already been a post titled "AACHEN" but it was kind of half arsed because I was so relaxed at the time. This one should hopefully be a bit more eye opening.

Thanks to Ali Clifton and Sophie 'die schmutzige' Walker first and foremost for keeping me entertained, and for Ali for letting me crash on your floor. Anywhere where you can eat Nutella toasties, Lion bar cereal and watch comedy at any time of day is a good place to stay in my books.

I think I may have appreciated Aachen the most out of all my recent travels, seeing as it had friends, it was back in Germany and thus a familiar language, and it felt like an actual city where things happen and I could buy things if I needed them. I bought a new pair of shoes, seeing as I literally walked through the last pair in the space of 2 months, as well as various baked goods.

One of the highlights of Aachen has to be "cocktails to go". Perhaps we appreciated these more since we'd already had a few at the last place, and had just eaten possibly one of the best dinners of our lives, but they were awesome nonetheless. And the idea is pretty novel as well. Sure, you don't feel too classy drinking a cocktail from those plastic cups with lids that smoothies are usually served in, but ohh, they were good. So good we went shopping with them.


I managed to put off going home until friday, which meant I was able to see a little Aachen nightlife, assist with DIY in Ali's flat (with relative success) and do a bit of exploring.

General streets and shopping bits

This one is from when I got lost. Having been left to explore a bit while the others enrolled at the gym, I walked in the vague direction of things that looked interesting and became very, very lost. I guess taking photos was all that I could do in such a scenario.

It rained a lot here as well.

And once again, I'll finish with my favourite. Probably best to view this one full size. Check out Jesus's left hand; apparently he likes Bitburger too. Someone, somewhere, is going to hell.