HAUS ALTENBERG

GERMANY

Its day 1 on our intensive training course at Haus Altenberg, which is a fuck-off castle cathedral thing usually used by Catholics for their religious stuff. It's pretty idyllic and in a very out of the way place, which is nice, but the early wakeups, informal yet full-on classroom sessions and staff in white outfits give it the feel of an asylum, or some kind of rehab.

I think the course could have been condensed into 1 day; its not that its not useful, but there's still a feeling of needlessness about a lot of the stuff we've had so far, that it's a little drawn-out. The staff are great however, and the shows run by another man called Gunther, who keeps seeming to crack jokes during his speeches, to which everyone laughs, before we realise he's still a bit deadpan and stony faced, and we realise he was telling the truth.

The course is mostly British-attended, but we've met some Aussies, a few Americans and Canadians and a guy from New Zealand.

We're in shared rooms of two and three, and have group sessions depending on our Bundesland; surprisingly Rheinland-Pfalz is the most heavily attended. My group leader, who teaches in R-P and whos name I forget, hasn't really done much to dispel my fears of boredom and horse drawn carts ("Oh yes, very out of the way. Very remote indeed") but has assured me that my school is a very good school, which was good.

Tomorrow we're doing classroom scenario situations, which will probably be a little more mundane than things like "There is a tiger in your school. How will you react?", but with a bit of luck I'll say the right thing, act ok, and maybe speak some German.

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I leave this section for Dora: If Pippa tells you about me smashing a glass in the food hall, she'll dramatise it and make much more of a fuss of it than it actually was.

COLOGNE

GERMANY

Well, the first stage of the German adventure is complete; we had an uber fast flight, albeit with a shitload of turbulence, but I managed to sleep all the way through it anyway. This sadly means I most likely missed out on my promised 'Happy Picnic' courtesy of German Wings.

There seemed to be a lack of a promised Shuttlebus at Cologne airport for immediate hotel access. It may be possible I didn't look hard enough, or ask the two information point ladies enough questions so I ended up getting a cab in the end, though the first bloke had to oust me and pass me over to one of his friends because we got 3 metres down the road before he pointed out he wasn't sure where he was going.

Anyway, we made it. I've just been checked in in by a friendly bloke called Herman who may or may not have been more camp than Dieter, our steward, who pranced around like a German Gok Wan and made the whole thing so very very funny. Anyway, they both currently compete for the coveted title of best German gay.

I've spoken to 5 actual Germans now, and I'm finding it hard not to lapse into English. Not in the sense that I desperately want to converse in english; rather that as soon as I hit a pitfall or miss a crucial word, I go very quickly into a kind of verbal flail and spew out english in a german accent, or vice versa, or just end up calling them 'mate' accidentally.

This was most evident at Cologne airport information point, where I garbled my way through directions to the hotel, and felt a real retard. The general feeling so far is that the gayer the German speaker is, the better I understand them, so hats off to Dieter and Herman, the German gays.

This was particularly uplifting after I'd just been outdone by a girl who must have been about three who sat next to me on a plane. Sod you and your perfect grasp of the language, young lady.


So tomorrow I'm trekking to Cologne city centre to speak more German and head off to this training week. I'm not quite sure how I'm going to find the bus there, seeing as the Holiday Inn pretty much comes off a motorway roundabout/spaghetti junction. I guess I'll ask Herman.

This is all I have for you. Cue dramatic music.

How have I never realised this?!

ENGLAND

Neuerburg translates as Newcastle!

I'm going to German Geordieland! Fuck!

ENGLAND - Probably the last england entry

ENGLAND

I am about to embark upon a great crusade, the eyes of the world are upon me. The hopes and prayers of liberty loving people everywhere march with me. In company with my brave Allies and brothers-in-arms on other Fronts, I will bring about the destruction of the German war machine, the elimination of Nazi tyranny over the oppressed peop-

No, wait.

That was mostly whored from Eisenhower's 1944 D-Day speech. I guess comparatively, a years teaching in Neuerburg doesn't have a lot in common with a fortified Normandy beachhead, but at the moment, it kinda feels like it. Plus, most of the stuff in that speech is probably still valid, though I doubt that nazi tyranny is proving to be a key issue in a little town where the currency is probably vegetables.

I fly out on sunday, on a flight which will inevitably charge me soundly for the excess baggage that will no doubt arise, but the financial situation at the moment should make this only a minor issue.

The first stage of the year is a few days training; presumably combat techniques, how to dig a good trench, how to operate a mortar, that kind of thing; mixed in with basic classroom etiquette. This takes place at Haus Altenberg, which from the official British Council descriptions makes Neuerburg look like a sprawling metropolis. We get picked up from Cologne on monday, then driven back on the 2nd of next month, and from there we wave a tearful goodbye before jetting off to our respective towns.

I've had quite a stroke of luck when it comes to reaching Neuerburg itself; as I discovered recently, public transport is a bit of a misfire in this area of Rheinland-Pfalz (ha, and so many of you thought I was joking).

After an initial plan which involved a 4-hour long local service buses and trains journey peppered with little walks inbetween, the Schulleiter Gunther offered me a lift by car from Bitburg-Erdorf, about half an hour away. As nerve-racking as the prospect of making small talk in German for half an hour is, it still beats the aforementioned regional transport clusterfuck that I'd planned initially.

I'd also like to draw attention to the fact that I am on speaking terms with a man called Gunther, and you should be righteously jealous.

And thats it so far.

Theres not a great deal I can add pertaining to the town or its inhabitants, though a very nice German girl who I met the other night pretty much laughed in my face when I told her where I was bound. I guess only time will tell.

Next entry should be from Germany. Wish me luck you ingrates.

ENGLAND - Location, location

ENGLAND

I've been doing some scouting of my allocated German town, and its one hell of a lot smaller than I'd anticipated. To give you a scope of just how small it is, you can read all about it at this most informed website here.

Yeah.

By contrast, my current village, although quaint and picturesque and a lot of other 5 dollar words, is still fairly uninspiring, but has twice the amount of people and probably more square miles. How is this possible? How has Neuerburg qualified for town status when it has less than a Yorkshire village? Sure, it has a 16th Century castle and a plethora of other artistic gems, but we could have had those anytime if we'd wanted.

The websites also market Neuerburg as a haven for those who enjoy hiking, biking and riding, of which respectively I get gradually worse. Other than that, there's dancing and German folk music.

Oh, and its a CDU-run area. They better not be religious.

ENGLAND - Minor changes

ENGLAND

It's not really year abroad related, but I just thought I'd experiment with another layout. There's even that idiot-proof picture of me telling you exactly where I'll be.

And blue with a nice sky background is calmer and nicer than the rather angry red and brown carryonsky of the first one.

I guess this post was for the benefit of the visually impaired, but who can still read ok. Thanks for your time?

Phase 1

ENGLAND

I had a debate a short while back whether to document the whole following year on my old blog, bless it's soul, but as you can see, in the end we went for a more dedicated one.

So I guess over the next year, this blog is going to be the main portal into my life; the old one will however remain for more general thought and observation.

Aaand it's now only 13 days until I move to Germany.

I booked my flight last week, £60 one-way, which was nice. Naturally, it's a bit of a budget airline, but the flights only a couple of hours so who cares? I like to think we have to parachute out of one of the emergency exits at 5000 feet. Nothing like stirring up a bit of wartime spirit on my first day in Germany.