SHEPLEY

ENGLAND

Today is my first full day back in England. The flight made up for all the stressful faffing around at Cologne airport, which involved paying 80 euros excess baggage and telling a man "No, I can't pay you. I don't have enough money".

All that stress made me hope even more that my plane wouldn't crash. To crash and die after going through all that airport hell and year abroad fun would have been a terrible waste. I think this should be a more common airport phrase, like for the people who check your boarding pass. "Enjoy your flight. Hope it doesn't crash!".

Anyway, I enjoyed my flight. It didn't crash. And I rounded off the year abroad enjoying a GermanWings 'happy picnic' which I've never had before either because I was asleep or I forgot about it. So that was nice.

I'm having massive reverse culture-shock. England is also so far comparatively boring, maybe not to Neuerburg, but maybe just because I saw something new and exciting at least once a fortnight in Germany, which I don't exactly envision for here. Maybe Leeds will tip this balance by simply being so god-darned awesome.

NEUERBURG - 9 months and 22 days

GERMANY

So today will almost certainly be the last entry I type in Neuerburg, quite possibly in Germany this year. The school year officially finishes today and everyone's getting kicked out in an hour. My liver and kidneys are bracing themselves for the umpteenth time this last fortnight because a mobile beer stand has just opened up outside the door and this will invariably mean more heartfelt goodbye drinks.

Last night there was yet another party to celebrate the end of the year. All it takes is a few beers and some strawberry vodka to realise that Empire State of Mind by Jay Z and Alicia Keys is even more great than ever.

This particular party started out great, everyone was having a good time and people were slowly pouring in, some of them from different schools but that was fine; this was all pretty cool. But then some Americans turned up, presumably from the airbase in Bitburg, and it turned into a fucking frat party. They were actually doing chest-bumps.

A group of them began talking to me, and they found it mind blowing that I was an english native speaker. I was this close, this close, to altering my opinion of them, until one of them asked in that nice American drawl "So where are you from in Australia?".

I said "Umm, actually I'm English mate. They're fairly different accents."

And he said "Oh. But not born and raised, right?"

I said "Actually yes. Do you know Leeds, near Manchester?"

"Ummm .." he ponders, ".. that's London, right?"

I tell him no, not really.

"Huh," he says "I'd have honestly thought Sydney. Or maybe New Zealand".

I loved the addition at the end of "Or maybe New Zealand". Just as a backup. Yes, probably Sydney. But also possibly somewhere within a 2000 mile radius.

I think a large part of me died last night during that conversation. And at the end, in perhaps the best question of the night, my friend Marcel shouted "What are you even still doing in this country?"

I still don't quite believe or understand the reply from some fucking Jarhead, which was "Hey, we just killed Osama. Bad guys can be where you least expect them, yeah?"

There are no words.

BUT, yes, this is the last school day and in 2 days I fly home. If I'm honest, I don't think I'm really ready to go back to it just yet, and if the option came around to stay here another year as opposed to a last year in university, I know which one I'd pick. It's got to the point now, right before leaving, where I know pretty much everyone and my German is actually coming together without thought in conversation.

Man, I've been here a long time. As if pregnancy lasts this long.

This is how German should be learnt. I sat for 2 years in lectures listening to how grammar works and imitation speaking practise and essentially learnt jack-all. I've been here 9 months and now I feel I could live here. I dunno if this is just premature nostalgia kicking in, but like I said above, I'd much rather be here doing something I'm interested in and enjoy rather than pursue what seems a rather fruitless degree path.

I basically want to earn something beyond a piece of paper with my name on it, which I feel I've done this year.

Man, I will miss everyone here.

There is a hell of a lot more that happened on this trip that I had wanted to mention, but they'll probably be better in person. If I remember them, I'll regale you.

Year Abroad Advice No. # - It's not for any of the reasons they tell you it will be. But it is one of the best years of your life.

If you've been following, thanks for reading :) normal account back in use come next week:

www.where-the-mild-things-are.blogspot.com

BETTINGEN / BIESDORF

GERMANY

Because I'm so cool and whatnot, I've started getting invitations to parties now by people who don't actually know me. This has certainly been the case this week, after not only going to a birthday party of a kid who goes to school 15km away, I was also able to get in on the same school's end of year party last night, after spending all day at a school fete for alcoholics. Anywhere where you pay €5.50 for a card worth about 12 beers is just asking for something.

What with having nothing to do now, combined with about 5 places where I'm always guaranteed a place to stay within 30km and hordes of people inexplicably knowing who I am, this stream of parties has become quite a normal thing.

So, uh.

Today I threw up. A great deal.

I suppose this serves me right for not turning down any drinks sent my way and not eating a great deal at the school fete thing (Schulkirmes, they call it here). I believe the clincher may have been a single shot of Jim Beam, whisky being stuff which I tend to avoid post christmas 2008, but which was persistently forced upon me by some fat kid wearing a hat, which I eventually downed just to make him go away.

Having not had a pukey hangover for a while, it still astounds me how easily the first few rounds of vom come considering they most definitely have the most content, and yet you struggle through all the subsequent ones even though it's pretty much just bile. I should be a scientist.


And boy, did the weather get crap recently. Last week I packed my suitcase in what was retrospectively a bit of a pre-emptive, pre-emptive strike seeing as I don't leave for another 4 days. I wrestled with the fucker for about half an hour getting the zip shut, with my shorts right near the front and my coats buried somewhere because we were having an absolute heatwave, and all of a sudden the temperature plummets to about 9° and it starts pissing rain all day, and I have to unpack and reshuffle my far-more-clothes-than-expected wardrobe.

I believe German weatherman are to blame. And yes, it's old hat to blame the weathermen for the weather, but the weather forecasts in Germany are about as accurate as picking lottery numbers, and it's all in German anyway. Stop telling me about fronts from the North, strong wind from the South west and some other shit from the East, just tell me whether my coat or my shorts should be packed at the front of my suitcase.

NEUERBURG - 290 days

GERMANY

I've finally managed to book flights back after however knows long money complications and general procrastination, which has helped in the sense that my life has some kind of direction again after two weeks of workless lying around.

I consider this week in particular to be the beginning of my grand re-introduction to British culture, because there are staff and students from our partner school in Tamworth and I've spent the last couple of days showing them Neuerburg and discussing things in a language I can express myself in without sounding like I'm referring to a kids book for material.

And because this last fortnight in particular I've been out of the house a great deal more with more people who I love in a foreigner kind of way, I've drawn up a list of what I will definitely miss and what I probably won't.

THINGS I WILL MISS

The Sky

The Slovakians

The Germans

The Russians

My awesome classes


Jörg

My Russian homeboy

Causing accidental trouble in supermarkets

Watching sunsets and lunar eclipses from campervans with a beer



THINGS I WILL NOT MISS

The flies. Oh so many flies


The torrential fucking downpours which come after a week of 25° weather


I actually think that's everything. There's not a lot to dislike here.

I suppose it's worth mentioning that the eclipse photos do no justice to the actual thing; it was actually red, and we did stand for two hours watching it.

NEUERBURG - advice and observation

GERMANY

Yes, I'm still here. I had little pangs of worry recently because of potentially having to leave sooner than I thought because they need the rooms in my apartment block. This was the gist given to me by the secretary, who I know thinks I'm an idiot, but after brief consultations with the headmaster, the caretaker and the woman who runs the whole accommodation show, apparently I'm good to stay til the 14th.

This is a post which I'd actually started to envision about 2 weeks after arriving, back then when the culture and everything was all still weird and new, and I began thinking to myself "how was half that preparatory shit we did in the 3 week run-up to leaving at all relevant?".

I consider this as an extension to the Year Abroad Advice which occasionally manifests on facebook. I want this post to demonstrate the kind of stuff that's to be expected as a language assistant (and in Germany in general) in a way that University lectures don't. I hope this helps a bit.

In no particular order:-

• Do not be put off by German bluntness. It isn't rude, stuff like small talk and feigned interest in each other just doesn't exist like at home. This isn't to say that everyone's a stand-offish dickhead, but try not to be offended.

• Reading English aloud to your class is the most incredible thing they've seen. The applause and cheers make up for the fact that 9 times out of ten, there is a perfectly good CD with the same script.
  

• Beer is always the cheapest drink.

• Bullshit when teaching. If you don't know the answer, pretend you do but just tell them it's a little difficult to explain ("it depends on the context" = my signature line).
  

• Giant hiking backpacks and/or dogs in clubs and bars are a very feasible occurence.

• People will very often be surprised that you speak German. Even if it's simple, once you get beyond 'Hallo' and 'Wie geht's?', people often seem genuinely shocked.

• Keep humour simple. The Germans aren't humourless but my god, it's either hit and miss or not at all. I've tried to make "that's what she said" fly at least 3 times since arriving; always met with blank faces.

• Bakeries: Backwerk is better than Kamps.

• The war. In my experience, war themed conversations oscillate between shifting the blame from Germany, often to the UK, to almost embarrassingly shameless admittance of wartime guilt.

• There will be times when cheese and salami is the only breakfast option. This is not hangover breakfast.

• The pfand rule in Germany (returning your old bottles and cans and getting money back) is surprisingly effective. There is a definite social stigma in going round collecting bottles specifically for this reason, but when you're low on cash it can be a lifesaver.

• The German efficiency stereotype i.e. trains etc is an absolute myth.

• Schwarzfahren - the €40 fine is a pretty good reason not to do this, though having said that, I have never once been checked on any underground / S-Bahn line (we saw a ticket inspector once, but just got off the train).

• You CAN'T buy tickets on trains. The on-board ticket machines are usually disabled and you can't buy 'em from the conductor. If, like me, you get caught without a ticket, be the reason legitimate or not, PLAY THE FOREIGNER CARD and DO NOT SPEAK GERMAN. You are a tourist, you no speak lingo, rules different your country.

• Leading on from previous point - do not keep your Bescheinigung or other important documents inside your passport otherwise they'll get your work details as well. On the off chance that the ticket inspector asks for your ID, give a drivers license and not your passport.

• German toilets have a little poo shelf in the bowl where you can review what you've just done and rate yourself out of 10 before you flush.
  

• Immediately look less of a retard by not getting your wallet out after ordering your first drink. Remember, in Germany you pay at the end, just don't fucking forget.

• Charity collectors and homeless people are far more persistent in Germany. A nice, confident "Ich hab' nein gesagt!" should give them the message after their 5th attempt.

• The whole Anmelden and opening bank account malarky is FAR easier than you expect.
  

• You need your passport to buy a German mobile!

• When working during the week, demand to know (text, email, whatever) when a lesson is cancelled or re-scheduled. This wasn't much of a problem for me when it happened as I lived on site, but if you have a half hour or longer commute like many others, this is a pretty invaluable thing to know.

• The Germans are big on naked. I remember in my first week or so when I went swimming in the school pool, I was in the changing room afterwards when a teacher who I think I'd spoken to once strolled in butt naked, vigorously towelling himself dry between his legs and asking how I was.
  

• Films will always be censored and usually be shown twice a night. Not nudity, they love that. Just violent stuff. People dying from being shot are usually cut, along with people who are just firing guns. "What? Guns? Death? That happened in the war, it can't be in films as well!. "

• Sometimes, your lessons will be shit. This usually isn't your fault, but sometimes you'll have spent weeks preparing for a lesson and either the kids won't be interested that day, or you'll have a room change (which can actually have ridiculous mental effects because the whole thing's not how you pictured it to be) or some teacher nicked the tv and all the internet cables. It happens. It's a bitch, but it happens.

• Embarass the kids who talk and disrupt your lessons. Embarass the fuck out of them.

• Don't hang out too much with people who want to speak English, or English native speakers, because after lugging yourself through weeks of German, kicking back with your mother-tongue is oh so easy. But if you do it too much you start to enjoy it again and begin hating German.

• Pay attention now: pretty much all shops are closed on sunday. 24 hour stuff like Spar, or any supermarket just doesn't exist here. It is a gay-ass rule that takes some getting used to.
  

• It is not always easy to find stuff which is fun to eat in Germany. As a general rule, there is very little to no indian food in most of Germany (don't be fooled by what they call 'curry'). The process they seem to stick to is "if it can be put in bread, then it's food".

I can't think of other things now. These are mostly things that I reckon I would have benefited from knowing before I flew out, although some of them are cool to find out first hand. I might put these onto the Year Abroad Advice note on facebook before I leave.