KARNEVAL

COLOGNE/TRIER

Now this post is another likely candidate for being one of my longest entries and the kind of post that I'd try and work into an autobiography one day. This has probably been one of the busiest and craziest 4 days since arriving here.

Customary Dom picture, just to prove I was there

For those of you not in the know, Karneval is a very popular Southern-German thing which subscribes to the school of thought that if an event has enough alcohol thrown at it, it's nonsensical existence will somehow become more acceptable.

There may well have been some interesting historical background that I haven't actually researched, but the only valid way I can describe it is like New Years Eve, with fancy dress and like I say, lots of booze.

Marina looking bootiful in one of the best costumes of the whole weekend. And how can you not love that face?

Us at Leyendeckerstrasse on saturday night. 1st prize to Heidi's hat.

Cologne is apparently the place to be, so I headed down there last Thursday complete with the half arsed Matrix costume that I'd thrown together from normal clothes lying around. Compared to most of the costumes worn by the thousand or so people I saw just at the station, I felt a bit half arsed and jealous, especially when Ellie and Heidi turned up as Ladybird and Clown.

That's worth mentioning actually: I have never seen Cologne Hauptbahnhof as rammed as it was this weekend.
I guess it's a pretty obvious assumptuion, being Karneval and all, but anyone with half a hope of getting a train would have walked away disappointed. Or rather, shoved their wheezing way through 1000 people with steel drums strapped to their groins. I feel sorry for the guy in the Service Point booth.

And curiously, the armed police were gone. I think something critical has been missed in Germany's anti-terrorist security policy; that is, that 20 or so gun-toting, flak jacketed bouncers hang around from 9 til 5 to keep the peace on 361 menial days of the year, but when there are 10,000 people to potentially protect from, I dunno, terrorism, then they're nowhere to be seen.

My favourite theory thereupon is that the Polizei simply bank on the fact that 10 people out of every 100 who attend Karneval will be wearing some variety of police/security costume. It was occasionally hard to tell who was actually someone you could rely on in an emergency and who wasn't just another drunken reveller in a peaked cap. I wonder if terrorists would really attempt an attack when the German police have been replaced by the NYPD and FBI.

ANYWAY,

So the first day I was stuck in the Neo outfit. We hit up Cologne centre and watched a parade through the streets. This was mainly just big decorated floats, some of which must have cost an absolute bomb to build, from which costumed Germans threw sweets at the crowd. Oh and napkins. After waiting about half an hour for some exciting thing to fly our way from a float, we got a pack of Tesco napkins. Not a clue.

And between the floats came brass bands and flamboyantly dressed flag wavers, as well as hordes of uniformed Karneval children, looking both thrilled and bored. My favourite bit, which in retrospect I wish I'd filmed instead of photographed, was when a horse drawn float clipped the metal canvas-covered awning of a shop and started to tear it apart.

This was especially funny because there was a fleeting second in which the guy leading the horses was considering trying to reverse, except this doesn't work with horses. True You've Been Framed material. Here it is.

And this procession went on for about an hour or so, after which we headed towards the Dom to see what was happening over there. Apart from drunk people being led away by police (real police) and stewards, there wasn't anything particularly different. A nice man borrowed my lighter and asked if I'd like to share a spliff, and a guy dressed as a bear puked into the Rhine, but that's about it.

And a man with tits on his back. Sophie is seen on the left looking a little keen. She sure loves tits.

So the first day was all hunky dory, albeit pretty cold.

On Friday, we went shopping in Ehrenfeld where Heidi lives (who is also a wonderful host who I'd like to thank again very much for having us all). Ehrenfeld is about 10 minutes from Cologne city centre, and pretty Turkish, which was kind of a new experience in Germany for me. It also had these delights:

I think 'Bob der Baumeister' somehow has less of a ring to it, but it's nice to see that he's going strong on the continent and has had sausage made in his name.

One of my favourites: "Haribo Aslan Kiosk". Run by a giant gummysweet lion.

"Arno's! Racial Genocide with every haircut!"

One of the most questionable hairdresser ads I've yet come across. I put this in the same category as a chain of hairdressers in Germany called, curiously, "Hairkiller".

Turns out we were also in the seedy area. We saw these gems in the window of one of the sex shops we walked past. I love the description that comes with the doll, the amount of detail and general unneeded stuff is almost of Japanese-English calibre.

And then this thing.

We all agreed that the knobbly thing on the top left looks like a cock that's in serious need of medical attention. It's also not unlike a sea creature that someone showed me in a rockpool on an African beach. Failing these, this might be one of the things included in the CIA's "advanced interrogation" programme.

"Jamal's not responding to waterboarding sir, what now?"

"Hmmm. Let's see how long he lasts against the sea cucumber dildo."

As ever, all explanations are welcome. Itchy poopzkid. The worst kind of poop. Poor kid.

Say what you will about Ehrenfeld, it did have a pretty swish fancy dress shop so I shelved the Matrix getup in favour of an admiral costume. The admiral costume was one hell of a buy; even though it's a costume and thus made out of that fairly shit material that saves on sweatshop costs, it still looks wicked despite a button coming off (hardly shocking seeing as they were held on by dental floss) and the trousers not doing up properly at the side.

It's worth mentioning here that when I was buying it I forgot the PIN for my German card and still haven't remembered it yet. This is one of those genuine mental blocks that people talk about; I've used this card every other day for 6 months, and now I have no idea what the number is. After spending 20 minutes in the shop wrestling with the card machine, I finally resorted to my English card and the nice lady behind the counter gave me 40% off, probably as a last ditch attempt to make me finally leave, please.

So mixed victories there. On Friday night we met up with other assistants and English-speakers, at a student accommodation which was essentially just a hotel in disguise. And after walking around Cologne again and gazing down the mile long queues outside every bar and pub, we finally found a place which was totally empty, which we promptly took over.

Oh, if any of you reading this were with me on that night, can you please tell me where you got the free beer tokens from?

It was somewhere between this pub, chicken noodles and home that Dora lost her bag, the loss of makeup and free milkshake loyalty card taking tragic precedence over bank cards, keys and whatever else was in there.

I'm gonna skip ahead now to saturday night to the "Geisterzug". This is another procession, except in scary or Halloween themed costume. This of course meant one more trip to the fancy dress shop; Woolworth's, actually. Or Woolworth as it's known over here. Apart from losing the 's' from its name as a result of the recession, it's also binned the pick 'n' mix section which now sadly puts my childhood Eden more on a par with the poundstore.

But I found a nice creepy mask, because admiral is difficult to recycle for scary themed dressup.
The first and only way to prove you're scary is by threatening a toy animal with a gun. I've only just realised now that the toy is pulling the exact same face as me.

The first part of the night we just wandered around trying to work out where the thing would begin. We spent about an hour in Mcdonalds just pondering and eating, actually. We danced to some drum music in a very busy street and then after about 2 hours waiting, the procession made it to our end of town. There were some prety awesome costumes. The best one, though not particularly horror-themed as such, was a jellyfish:

I'll hit you with a few more pics.

ZZ Top. Interesting choice, but why the hell not?

Some Americans we found. Like all Americans in other countries, they were dressed for war. We all took a photo of this, because they were posing with the guys dressed as arabs and it's ironic and funny because they're at war blah blah ha ha ha they found it ha ha funnier than we did.

Dora's take on 'scary': otherwise known as 'woman punched in face'. This probably qualifies in Watford.

It's somehow less scary seen as a still photo, but when this guy was walking around, as far as scary is concerned, that mask was a constipation aid. He was damn freaky looking.

After spending some time just watching the 10,000 strong crowd pass us by, we joined in and walked along with them. And then, after some dancing in a tunnel, we found a little raised alcove where we sat and watched some more. More pictures?

Size of the crowds a little more visible here.

And a really awesome Mr. Burns puppet thing. Big fan of that.

Sunday was chill out day. Karneval is not designed for prolonged use. I actually can't remember what we did, I just know it was fairly lowbeat and calm. This thing doesn't end here, apparently. Monday is Rosenmontag. I don't know what this means, but the theme of the day is - you got it - dressing up and drinking while watching a procession and maybe receiving sweets and napkins.

However, I got a nice early train to Trier to meet up with some of my students and do all the things that I could have done in Cologne on a slightly smaller scale. It was also an ICE train, which means I made it in 2 and a half hours, as opposed to just under 4. WIN.

The stuff in Trier was nice purely because it felt more chilled and small-town. The processions were slower and more people were sober (ourselves not included in the latter category) and it was just less mad.


As you can see, the weather was a little more glorious than Cologne, so drinks outside a bar were on the cards. As a lesson now learnt in 4 countries, Long Island Iced Teas are never a good starter drink. Anything with 5 spirits in it is asking for a bitchy hangover.


We then went to the unimaginative-but-no-nonsense-ly named 'Irish Pub', where I gleefully ordered "3 pints of Guiness and a chocolate brownie please". If you are ever in Irish Pub in Trier, HAVE the chocolate brownie, I implore you.

After this we dispersed, and that's pretty much where it all finished.

There are many moments during Karneval, in between the unending stream of terrible, terrible kids party music, in which you just want to scream "Stop! For one schnitzel-licking second!" and demand that someone explains what it is exactly that everyone's doing. Karneval is a hyperactive adult with the mind of a child, shoving a big placard with 'FUN' written across it in your face and going "Phwoaarrr".

And as well as this, the tone constantly flits from "traditional southern German custom" to "let's get pissed in a clown outfit!" As Dora put it, there's a ridiculous amount of pressure to have as much fun as is humanely possible, but it's such a boozed up costumed clusterfuck that this can sometimes be a challenge. But Karneval does so many things right you can't help but enjoy it.