NEUERBURG - advice and observation

GERMANY

Yes, I'm still here. I had little pangs of worry recently because of potentially having to leave sooner than I thought because they need the rooms in my apartment block. This was the gist given to me by the secretary, who I know thinks I'm an idiot, but after brief consultations with the headmaster, the caretaker and the woman who runs the whole accommodation show, apparently I'm good to stay til the 14th.

This is a post which I'd actually started to envision about 2 weeks after arriving, back then when the culture and everything was all still weird and new, and I began thinking to myself "how was half that preparatory shit we did in the 3 week run-up to leaving at all relevant?".

I consider this as an extension to the Year Abroad Advice which occasionally manifests on facebook. I want this post to demonstrate the kind of stuff that's to be expected as a language assistant (and in Germany in general) in a way that University lectures don't. I hope this helps a bit.

In no particular order:-

• Do not be put off by German bluntness. It isn't rude, stuff like small talk and feigned interest in each other just doesn't exist like at home. This isn't to say that everyone's a stand-offish dickhead, but try not to be offended.

• Reading English aloud to your class is the most incredible thing they've seen. The applause and cheers make up for the fact that 9 times out of ten, there is a perfectly good CD with the same script.
  

• Beer is always the cheapest drink.

• Bullshit when teaching. If you don't know the answer, pretend you do but just tell them it's a little difficult to explain ("it depends on the context" = my signature line).
  

• Giant hiking backpacks and/or dogs in clubs and bars are a very feasible occurence.

• People will very often be surprised that you speak German. Even if it's simple, once you get beyond 'Hallo' and 'Wie geht's?', people often seem genuinely shocked.

• Keep humour simple. The Germans aren't humourless but my god, it's either hit and miss or not at all. I've tried to make "that's what she said" fly at least 3 times since arriving; always met with blank faces.

• Bakeries: Backwerk is better than Kamps.

• The war. In my experience, war themed conversations oscillate between shifting the blame from Germany, often to the UK, to almost embarrassingly shameless admittance of wartime guilt.

• There will be times when cheese and salami is the only breakfast option. This is not hangover breakfast.

• The pfand rule in Germany (returning your old bottles and cans and getting money back) is surprisingly effective. There is a definite social stigma in going round collecting bottles specifically for this reason, but when you're low on cash it can be a lifesaver.

• The German efficiency stereotype i.e. trains etc is an absolute myth.

• Schwarzfahren - the €40 fine is a pretty good reason not to do this, though having said that, I have never once been checked on any underground / S-Bahn line (we saw a ticket inspector once, but just got off the train).

• You CAN'T buy tickets on trains. The on-board ticket machines are usually disabled and you can't buy 'em from the conductor. If, like me, you get caught without a ticket, be the reason legitimate or not, PLAY THE FOREIGNER CARD and DO NOT SPEAK GERMAN. You are a tourist, you no speak lingo, rules different your country.

• Leading on from previous point - do not keep your Bescheinigung or other important documents inside your passport otherwise they'll get your work details as well. On the off chance that the ticket inspector asks for your ID, give a drivers license and not your passport.

• German toilets have a little poo shelf in the bowl where you can review what you've just done and rate yourself out of 10 before you flush.
  

• Immediately look less of a retard by not getting your wallet out after ordering your first drink. Remember, in Germany you pay at the end, just don't fucking forget.

• Charity collectors and homeless people are far more persistent in Germany. A nice, confident "Ich hab' nein gesagt!" should give them the message after their 5th attempt.

• The whole Anmelden and opening bank account malarky is FAR easier than you expect.
  

• You need your passport to buy a German mobile!

• When working during the week, demand to know (text, email, whatever) when a lesson is cancelled or re-scheduled. This wasn't much of a problem for me when it happened as I lived on site, but if you have a half hour or longer commute like many others, this is a pretty invaluable thing to know.

• The Germans are big on naked. I remember in my first week or so when I went swimming in the school pool, I was in the changing room afterwards when a teacher who I think I'd spoken to once strolled in butt naked, vigorously towelling himself dry between his legs and asking how I was.
  

• Films will always be censored and usually be shown twice a night. Not nudity, they love that. Just violent stuff. People dying from being shot are usually cut, along with people who are just firing guns. "What? Guns? Death? That happened in the war, it can't be in films as well!. "

• Sometimes, your lessons will be shit. This usually isn't your fault, but sometimes you'll have spent weeks preparing for a lesson and either the kids won't be interested that day, or you'll have a room change (which can actually have ridiculous mental effects because the whole thing's not how you pictured it to be) or some teacher nicked the tv and all the internet cables. It happens. It's a bitch, but it happens.

• Embarass the kids who talk and disrupt your lessons. Embarass the fuck out of them.

• Don't hang out too much with people who want to speak English, or English native speakers, because after lugging yourself through weeks of German, kicking back with your mother-tongue is oh so easy. But if you do it too much you start to enjoy it again and begin hating German.

• Pay attention now: pretty much all shops are closed on sunday. 24 hour stuff like Spar, or any supermarket just doesn't exist here. It is a gay-ass rule that takes some getting used to.
  

• It is not always easy to find stuff which is fun to eat in Germany. As a general rule, there is very little to no indian food in most of Germany (don't be fooled by what they call 'curry'). The process they seem to stick to is "if it can be put in bread, then it's food".

I can't think of other things now. These are mostly things that I reckon I would have benefited from knowing before I flew out, although some of them are cool to find out first hand. I might put these onto the Year Abroad Advice note on facebook before I leave.